Why Esme Owns an Island
by SonicTeamFreeWill
Summary: so the competition was "Caught with your pants down"...I think that pretty much says it all. Don't worry, no slashy lemoniness here just good ol' Cullen family fun with references which, according to my FWAR readers, make for a great laugh XD


**Theme: **Caught with your Pants Down

**Title:** Why Esme Owns an Island

**Beta:** Unbeta'd

**Rating:** T

**Word Count****: **2768

**FWAR Pen-name: **Carlisle+Esme_4eva

Disclaimer: I don't own Monopoly, I have nothing against the Black Eyed Peas and I apologise in advance for the Who's on First Base joke (which I also do not own.)

Why Esme Owns an Island

"Come on, Bella," Alice whined, pouting as she grabbed her sister's hand and attempted to haul Bella off the couch once again. "_Pleeease?"_

"All right, fine. I'll do it."

"Really?" Alice let go of Bella's arm, shocked. She should have known there was a condition. Bella smiled slyly.

"But," she added, "you will not so much as _mention_ the desire to have me shop with you for at least a month."

"Oh! That's not fair!" Alice crossed her arms. Bella did the same, one eyebrow smugly raised as she waited for her sister's decision. Alice glared indignantly, rejecting the offer completely, until Bella insisted it was the only way.

"Pick one - baseball or shopping. That's my final offer."

"Aw!" Alice whined. "But - grr!"

She could see Bella was going to continue to be difficult about this. Unfortunately for Bella, she could also see a hilarious event in the near future. Even more hilarious than Bella playing sport. In fact, if all went according to plan, it would be worth sacrificing a month of shopping trips with Bella. Of course, Alice was wounded by the thought of delaying her beloved sister's induction into the Shopaholics' Hall of Fame, but it couldn't be helped.

"Okay, Bella. No shopping, I promise. Cross my heart, hope to fry."

"Ha," Bella chuckled. "I wasn't expecting that to actually work." Satisfied with her end of the bargain, Bella flung herself off the couch with a wide smile, even swinging her arms enthusiastically like Emmett so often did.

"So, Vampire Bella has overcome her aversion to sport?" Emmett wondered, carrying a huge duffel bag full of sports equipment down the stairs.

"No, Vampire Bella has devised a Get Out of Shopping Free card," Bella replied, flashing a grin at her disgruntled sister. Rosalie and Jasper entered the room at that moment, and Alice turned to them for sympathy. The blonds looked at each other for a moment.

"Don't worry darlin'," Rose comforted, in a brilliant imitation of Jasper's southern accent, which almost always found it to the surface when he was comforting Alice.

"Ah believe that's mah lahne, li'l lady," Jasper remarked, laying it on thick and grinning at Rose as he wrapped an arm around Alice's shoulders.

Jacob and Seth arrived at that moment, elbowing each other out of the way and gnawing on chicken drumsticks they had reportedly 'borrowed' from Sam and Emily's kitchen.

"You guys putting a game on?" Seth asked, looking at all the eager faces and then Emmett's duffel bag. Jacob pretended to choke on his chicken when Bella nodded.

"Yup," she confirmed cheerfully.

"Oh my God," Jacob gagged, putting a hand up to his throat. "Who _are_ you and what have you done with Bella Swan?"

"Married a Cullen," Bella replied. Jacob scowled, pretending to still be annoyed by this.

"Is Nessie coming?" he asked.

"Why? Wanna join us, Dogbreath?" Rose asked.

"Maybe I will, _Blondie_," Jacob replied with a cocky grin. Rosalie shoved him, annoyed, and he stumbled and knocked one of Esme's ornaments off its table. Alice intercepted its path to destruction and put it on a safer shelf. 

"What's going on down there?" Esme called from her bathroom upstairs, always alert for the whistling of crystal or china through the air. "If you kids can't behave yourselves I'll have to call Charlie and have him babysit the lot of you as well as Nessie!"

"We're being good, Ma," Edward called back, swinging himself through the open kitchen window to join his siblings in the living room.

"You better be," Esme warned.

.o.o.o.

Carlisle's day had been pretty miserable, in all, but nothing drastically bad had happened. His Mercedes had a flat tyre, and Edward had been out, so he had borrowed Emmett's Jeep to get to work - earning many a strange look from staff and patients alike. His fountain pen broke and leaked dark-blue ink all over his white shirt, so he was stuck in mint-green scrubs until lunch, when Esme could bring him a fresh one.

"Just don't do it again," she warned, "or I'll have to have Alice take you shopping before we go out tonight."

Feigning terror, he took the shirt and promised not to mess it up again. He tried to ignore the flock of nurses fighting to get a glimpse of him changing. Afterwards, and for the rest of the day, he had to endure the entire staff's comments on he and his wife and the shirt incident.

Despite all this, Carlisle was unable to wipe the smile off his face as he drove home from work that evening. They didn't have long enough to spend the weekend at Isle Esme, but - Carlisle chuckled to himself - he might just get to spend the evening there. Even if he had to endure Emmett's taste in music all the way home it was certainly worth it: he had a feeling that tonight was gonna be a good, good night indeed.

Under the pretence of a trip to the theatre - which he had been fully intending to follow through with until that lunchtime shirt incident - he and Esme would have the house to themselves for a few hours that night. Of course, if Esme still desired to go to the theatre, he would aquiest her request without quarrel.

And if not...well...

He parked at the end of the drive and, with a springing step, headed towards the door. Thunder rumbled overhead, dark clouds rolling in from the west. Emmett whooped loudly inside and Alice clapped her hands joyfully.

"Let's _go!"_ Bella exclaimed loudly. There was another thunderous rumble, this time of the feet of eight vampires, hurrying to get to the door. Carlisle eyed Alice, the last one out.

"Is Bella okay? Did she hit her head?" he asked. Alice laughed.

"She's fine," she said, adding in a bitter mutter; "madeadealnoshoppingforamonth."

"Oh, I see." Carlisle smiled sympathetically at his daughter and she pouted.

"Geez, Dad, thanks for the support." Alice rolled her eyes at her father, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "By the way - have fun at the _theatre."_

Alice made quotation marks in the air with her fingers when she said "theatre," and tapped her nose conspiratorially before she took off after her siblings. Carlisle smiled mischievously and abandoned his bag, eager to see his beloved wife and her new ensemble - chosen, apparently, specifically by Alice, specifically for tonight.

.o.o.o.

"Alice is pitcher," Edward pointed out, gesturing to his petite sister who was tossing a white ball in the centre of the oversized field. "You and Rose and Seth will be on her team, which means you're fielding this innings. Emmett, Jazz, Jacob and myself on the other - batting."

"Right, got it. So, how do you guys play this thing?" Bella asked, restlessly swinging an aluminium bat.

"Basically," Edward explained, "when someone throws the ball at you, hit it and run to the corner of the square. If nobody's caught it yet, feel free to run to the next corner, unless one of your team members is already standing there."

"No duh." Bella raised an eyebrow at her husband. "That's how _everybody _plays baseball. You guys are _Cullens. _You never play any game by the _everybody _rules."

"True," Edward granted, chuckling.

"I'm serious," Bella demanded. "Tell me this mystery rule, Edward! What have I gotten myself into? Alice wouldn't have given up a whole month of Drag Bella Through the Mall for any old game. What is it? Truth-or-Dare baseball? Casino baseball?" She gasped, her eyes widening in horror. "_Strip _baseball?"

"Calm down, Bella, it's nothing like that," Edward said. He leant in, so that his lips brushed her ear, and added quietly: "besides, do you honestly think I'd let you play Strip Baseball in front of Jacob?"

Bella giggled drunkenly and Edward smiled.

"Get your head in the game, bro!" Emmett joked, jogging over to the pair. "Stop fraternising with the enemy!"

He turned to Bella, who quickly recovered her expression.

"Look, Bells, all you have to do is play the game like normal, except when the ball gets lost, everybody has to race to the pitcher's mound. Last one there has to find the ball - wherever it may be."

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Edward swiftly elbowed him in the ribs.

"Come on, you lot," Rose called, waving them out. "Do you wanna have a tea party or play some ball?"

Edward and Emmett joined Jasper and Jake behind Home Base, and Bella ran to take her position between Second and Third. Seth grinned at her from between First and Second. Alice pitched and Emmett hit, sending the ball soaring into the air. He managed to get to First before Seth snatched up the ball and tossed it back to Alice.

Jacob went next, batting in human form and then phasing for the sprint. The girls and Seth kept their play tight: Emmett got to Second and Jake to First, but not a step further. It was Jasper's turn next. He grinned a challenge at his mate, who pitched a hard ball.

Bella leapt up and caught the ball as it came flying her way. She fumbled it for a moment - which was to be expected with her sporting skills, or lack thereof - but recovered quickly and threw it as hard as she could towards the pitcher's mound. Jasper had to dive and slide for first base. Jacob moved up to Second and Emmett to Third. Edward stepped up to bat.

"Hey Bella, who's on first base?" Emmett asked, calling from Third.

"What's on first base?" she asked, confused. Jasper was - that was obvious.

"No, What's on Second! Who's on First!" Emmett cackled with laughter. Seth clapped his hands as he laughed too. Bella caught on a moment later and joined them: it had been going around on the internet for a while now. Distracted, Bella didn't notice as the ball sailed over her head.

Everyone watched it disappear. Judging from its trajectory, there was no catching it any time soon. There was a moment of silence as the players looked at each others' faces. Then a flash of lightning and they were all sprinting for the pitcher's mound. In less than a second, Bella and Seth were the only ones still in contention for the position of Rotten Egg.

"Come on, Bella!" Edward cheered.

"Put your back into it, Seth!" Jacob urged.

"Sorry Bells - Alpha's order." Seth grinned and phased, sending fragments of his jeans all over the place - mostly into Bella's face.

Everyone laughed heartily, Bella included, as Seth skidded up to the pitcher's mound and knocked everyone else off. Of course, if they wanted to resume the game before the storm cleared, someone would have to get the ball. As the result of a carefully collaborated plan, that someone was going to be Bella.

.o.o.o.

As it turns out, Esme had decided against going to the theatre long before Carlisle got home. It was a shame the ankle-length, devil-red chiffon dress would never see the light of day, but if its last moments were experienced at Carlisle's hands, she could live with the sacrifice.

She heard the children race out of the house, and it wasn't long at all before Carlisle's footsteps alighted at the top of the stairs. She smoothed the skirts of the dress and stepped out of the bathroom like a celebrity onto the red carpet. Carlisle bowed like a gentleman and offered his arm, which she daintily put her own through.

"Carlisle," she started casually as they walked towards the stairs, each pretending that they had every intention of spending the evening at a sophisticated, perfectly innocent theatre performance. "What would you say if I cancelled our trip to the theatre tonight?"

"I would say that's too bad," he replied, turning to her. "But I'm sure we'll have a wonderful time inside."

He grinned at her and she smiled coyly back.

"I was hoping you might say that." Her voice was scarcely louder than a breath. Their noses were less than an inch apart. At the same moment, each leaned in to close that gap. Already spiralling deep into the fires of passion, the two of them staggered into the nearest room, just barely remembering to push the door shut behind them - just in case.

"I must say, my dear, I love your dress," Carlisle remarked. "I'm almost sorry it will only last a few more minutes."

.o.o.o.

Bella followed the ball's path back to none other than the big Cullen house. The shattered window pane in Carlisle's study made her groan as she unlocked the door and trudged towards the stairs.

"Stupid Emmett and his stupid jokes making me miss the stupid ball," she cursed, stomping up the stairs violently, knowing she wouldn't break them - after all, Rosalie and Emmett had inhabited this house for several years now and it was still standing.

"I bet it's gone and smashed some million-dollar Virgin Mary," Bella muttered, shoving the door open with more aggression than necessary, cursing Emmett as she strode into the room.

And stopped.

Very suddenly.

On the floor in front of her was a torn piece of red dress material. A foot or so away from that, there was another. There was a whole trail of them, leading over to Carlisle's desk - where the ball sat, mocking her silently, resting in a heap of black material. Bella's eyes widened as she recognised them as a pair of black dress pants.

"Gah!" Bella choked, sprinting out of the room as quickly as she could, slamming the door shut and leaning on it, desperately trying to rid herself of the mental pictures she had just conjured.

Bella turned away from the door, preparing to storm right up to Edward and demand to know why she wasn't informed. Surely he must have known.

"I mean of all the nasty, rotten things they could have made me do!" she accused in a hushed voice. "It's bad enough walking in on my in-laws," she gagged, "but to have _me _walk in on _them?" _She crossed her arms and huffed and headed back down the stairs. Carlisle and Esme may not be openly mad, but she was sure as hell willing to be mad enough for all three of them!

"Wait, Bella," Esme called. She was already down the bottom of the stairs, Carlisle's shirt hanging off her shoulders, obstructing the tattered remains of the red dress. Carlisle soon joined her, looking very self-conscious about the fact that, while he had donned his pants, he still didn't have a shirt to cover himself with. Bella eyes flicked between their faces.

"I swear, I didn't mean it," she defended herself. "I mean, I should have been paying more attention. If I hadn't been so busy cursing Emmett for setting me up, I never would have-"

Esme held up her hand.

"We understand, sweetie," she said with an earnest smile. "All of them have done it at some point. Even Edward, though his was on a dare."

"So you're really not mad?"

"Oh yes. I'm mad. But not at you, dear."

Esme disappeared into the kitchen, looking completely natural and unfazed despite her dishevelled appearance. If anything, she looked a little _too _normal and unfazed.

Bella and Carlisle leant on the ends of the opposing banisters, in awkward silence, both trying to appear casual but at the same time, avoid looking at the other. They listened to Esme dialing numbers into the phone with twice the force each button needed. They waited one and a half rings, and then it was picked up.

"ALICE CULLEN!" Esme shrieked. "How dare you? Don't play innocent with me, girlie, I know what you're up to. Rosalie in Vancouver, Emmett in Quebec, Jasper in Toronto, you in Marseilles - Nowhere on this Earth is safe!" 

She slammed down the phone with a satisfying click, and came back into the room with a sigh.

"I think I'll go change." She glanced apologetically at her husband before passing them to disappear up the stairs. Carlisle watched her go, and then turned back to Bella, who was looking at him now too. He smiled gently at her.

"Don't worry about it, Bella," he said. "This is why Esme owns an island."


End file.
